So I paint my nails sometimes. My favorite color to use is a deep purple. I’m still leaning how to actually make it look good, how to not ruin it immediately, or how to do it without basically dunking my finger in the paint. Even though it looks pretty bad every time, it warms my little emo heart to see the colors on the tips of my fingers. One day I’ll have the guts to do a full rainbow for a pride month in support of the queer folks I have in my life, but I’m not quite there yet. Why I’m not there yet is likely a story that involves so much depth and history that I don’t even know how to dig deep into, but the most basic and surface level reason is almost certainly toxic masculinity.
The brand of masculinity that I grew up is this blend of Mormonism/Christianity, southern, and military. Each of these presents ideas about what men ought to be and how they should act. They defined boundaries around what is okay and what is not.
Air Force Brat
The military is probably the one that affected me the least, but my dad served in the US Air Force for 24 years. His dad also served in the USAF during the Vietnam War. My maternal grandfather served in the army during World War II. I live in a city that neighbors an Air Force base. The military has a very strict dress code. It has rules around what kind of body modifications you are allowed to have. There’s a stigma around being gay in the military. So, while I never experienced those things directly, the culture leaks out into the world around me.
For example, my dad really did not want me to have long hair as a pre-teen and teenager, but he got called out on his hypocrisy when we pulled out his 8th grade yearbook (from the late 1970s) and gave up the fight as he stared at his center part covering his ears. He had his ideas about how a man should dress, and wanted me to follow that mold. In addition to the hair, he would also give me crap about the skinny jeans, the bracelets, and accessories I would wear in high school. (Yes, we’ve already established I was a little emo kid.) Now, I don’t entirely blame his attitudes toward my teenage style on the Air Force, I can’t help but assume it played a large role.
Farm Country
As a military kid, we had our fair share of moves. We ended up in North Carolina right as I was starting high school. I spend those critical years where we all form our identity and self expression in rural America, where I would drive past corn, tobacco, and cotton fields daily as I drive to school or to the mall to hang out with my friends. We were in farming country. So much so that my mom’s parents were farmers who raised turkeys. My mom never enforced any sort of ideas of masculinity on me — frankly, neither of my parents did — but there was a deep culture of tough farmer, hunting men, and mechanical blue collar labor surrounding every aspect of my high school, experience that came with an endless wealth of stereotypes.
I’ve always struggled to understand the appeal of hunting for sport. I’ve also never really been that into guns. Depending on my mood, I get (present tense) a little grossed out dealing with raw meat (yay ‘tism). So it should come as no surprise when I say I don’t really like the idea of hunting. I’m obviously not going to stop someone from doing their fun thing, but it’s definitely not for me; It’s not an experience I’m going to seek out, or prepare for, or engage in. I’d probably pass it up even offered. I’ll go skeet shooting with you, but don’t ask me to sit in a box in the woods, waiting for an animal to pass by just so I can shoot it.
To the contrary, if I’m going out into the woods, it’s so that I can hike through the trees, check out a waterfall, stand at the top of a cliff or admire a canyon. I’d much prefer to float down a river in a kayak than sit in a boat and fish. I’ve never felt this need or desire to dominate nature that feels prevalent in the south’s attempt to smooth everything with oil and gas and gunpowder, and that definitely made me stand out among my peers.
Pioneers of the Past
Luckily I had a lot of friends that weren’t into hunting and trucks and lift kits and 4-wheelers, but instead were into anime, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, video games, and hard-style techno and screamo music. However, this was all antithetical to my upbringing in Mormonism. While the Mormon view of Masculinity is definitely much softer than that of the military and the south, it was still just as restrictive. It tried to pass off a much more business-class stoic brand of masculinity when compared to either of the brands I’ve already discussed. One where the man is spiritually in tune the divine. A man who is always in control of his feelings. One who can lead the home and make guiding decisions in the best interest of his family. A (modern) foundational text coming out of Mormonism is “The Family: A Procolmation to the World.” In it, we see the following:
By define design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.
While this language may not feel abhorrent on its own, it is still subject to the individual interpretation of the teachers around me and gets mixed with many other beliefs of the (Mormon) church. In my circles, this teaching turned into ideas like:
- I have to be a job holder and make lots of money for my family.
- I have to be ready to fight other people who threaten my family or property.
- I have to understand the doctrine and make sure my family is following the same interpretations as my religious beliefs.
There is nothing specifically wrong with these ideas, however we do quickly see how this attempts to uphold the patriachical structures that harm both men and women. To further this point, read what the same document says about women in the next sentence.
Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.
Placing this sentence works as a contrast to men, suggesting how men should not act because this clearly falls to the domain of women and mothers.
When I think of the word “nurture”, I picture other words like affection, caring, soft, and loving. Once again, there is nothing in the text of The Family that restricts me as a man and a father from being able to act in any of the ways I’ve just described, however, the words of the text once again get interpreted, and the social pressures start to build. Men who don’t dress in the way the church expects are left out of opportunities. Men who are a little bit feminine are looked down on and are immediately assumed to be gay, which is a huge problem from within the doctrine. Men who do not have steady jobs or who work as stay-at-home dads and home makers are considered to be less of a man as their wife is the that is the provider for the home. In an environment like that, how could I ever consider painting my nails? Or wearing a crop top? Or having piercings? Or short shirts, or an open top? All of these things are seen as gay or rebellious within the culture of the Mormon church, and both of which are seen as ungodly, and thus, unmanly.
Recovering from the Conditioning
Since the pandemic, I have had some time to review all these ideas that I was presented with. I’ve had the chance to question all the religious, social, and political ideas I’ve been slowly feed over the last the last 30 years. I’ve had a support system providing space for vulnerability and security to open myself up to questions like
- What makes a man masculine?
- What makes a man gay?
- What makes a man good or evil?
- What makes a man healthy?
- What makes a man?
As I started hearing other people’s thoughts to these questions, and attempting to answer them for myself, I also started asking myself
- What ways do I show masculinity?
- How do I show more healthy forms of masculinity?
- What does it take to be a good person?
- How do I heal?
- What am I and what do I want to be?
I have answered enough of those questions for myself. I has lead me to presenting myself with a longer beard, short hair that I sometimes style, one hoop earring in each that I would like to trade out for larger colorful ones if I ever get the guts to deal with the weight, a pair of pale green 5 inch inseam shorts that ended up being one of the most comfortable thinks I’ve ever worn, mostly T-shirts with the occasional button down shirt with the top 3 buttons open if I’m feelin’ real slutty, Teva or Birkenstock sandals, a necklace pretty much every day, and most importantly, my gold wedding band that I wear as often as I can remember (blasted ADHD and a global pandemic breaking the habit I had built of wearing it every day for nearly 4 years). This is my version of masculine presentation and I love it. Sometimes I’ll paint my nails if I feel like having a little extra splash of color.
Beyond the Presentation
A more important aspect of masculinity to me pertains to how I act with myself and around others. I have accepted a mix of Nihilism and Stoicism for how I carry myself through life. From Stoicism, I have learned through Cognitive Behavioral therapy to attempt to question the reasons I’m having a certain reaction. Try to get down to the root cause of the emotionally charged reaction, and see if I need to correct the reaction or reevaluate the emotion I’m reacting to. Where I disagree with Stoicism is in the need to always be in control of my emotional composure. If a certain overwhelming emotion is warranted, I let it show.
This past week has given perfectly contrasting examples of what I mean. Within the last week of writing this article, Donald Trump and his administration has decided that it is a good idea to bomb Iran in an attempt to destroy assumed nuclear sites. I had already been extremely frustrated with the actions of the second Trump Administration for all the shit they’ve been doing over the last 5 months, but I was feeling a fresh wave of renewed anger because of this action. However, I’ve maintained control over that anger as there is nobody in my vicinity that is worthy of receiving that anger: I’m not going to take that rage out on my wife and kids, as they are not the ones that deserve that treatment. So I find other ways of letting out that anger that is non destructive.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I was reading a book with my children as a part of our bedtime routine. The book called Witch Hazel by Molly Idle tells a story of grief, loss, and rejoicing In the joys of life. I cried uncontrollably in front of both my children as I thought of my own grandparents. Stories I have with them have been on my mind a lot since writing about my journey with my own emotions and feelings recently. In this moment, I couldn’t stop the tears. I couldn’t speak in a controlled voice. I let myself sob in front of them (we’re talking about a good ugly cry over here, not just the picturesque tear down the cheek). They were concerned as to why I was crying, and I was (barely) able to explain to them in a bit more precise detail how the story brought up lots of memories, and how that can sometimes feel sad after people we love have died. I was able to show my son and daughter that men are able to feel sadness and grief over the loss of a loved family member without turning it into anger or violence. They are continuing to see their dad move on through his days sober, calm, and collected, even though I still feel that loss whenever I think or write about my grandfather. This is the positive masculinity I’m able to pull out of my understanding of the world and philosophy of stoicism.
As for Nihilism, I’ve been reading The Sunny Nihilist by Wendy Syfret, and I’ve been connecting with the ideas she has around letting the meaningless of everything push you to enjoying the moment you’re in. Instead of constantly striving to find the meaning of everything, just shut up and pet a dog. This has allowed me to stay more present. Let me enjoy the moment with my kids. It forces me to sit down and just chat with my Mom whenever she is in the same room with her. It helps me put my phone away and talk to my wife while she works on her puzzle and I’m scooping food into my mouth during the small lunch break I give myself. It helps me not read too much into other people’s assertion that my earrings make me look gay. It helped me get past the fact that a crossbody bag is basically the same as a purse while I find solutions to work with my ADHD. In short, I don’t have enough time on this earth to stress about what you think in regards to my masculinity. I’m learning to present and act in the way that I want because that’s what makes me happy and that’s all I really can do in this life is make myself happy.
At the end of the day, people will still try to put you into a little box. They will try to say you have to follow a rule book and check off all the boxes to be considered masculine. That list will change depending on the people you associate and the area you grow up in. Please don’t let other people define who you are. Try things that may be outside of the boundaries of what you were told was okay. I never thought I would like shorts that showed my thighs, and here we are. I hated the idea of showing off my shoulders, but sometimes, a tank top is the most comfortable shirt ever. My earrings were a form of rebellion and marking myself as different from the religion that I left and the rules it had established for me, and I wouldn’t take them out for a second, even if they make my aunt from Texas or my wife’s friends see me as gay. As long as it’s not hateful or hurtful, I hope you can forge your own representation of what masculinity is for you and yours.